Excuse the random structure of this blog but I just don't really have brainspace for "blog structure" right now. Not because I'm stressed...I'm just a bit tired. I'm in Nutbush(S. Dakota), had a heavy dinner, went to a dumb cinedome movie that gave me a headache...so not really in the mood for the small detials right now.
I haven't talked to my new friend in a few days..mainly we've played alot of phone tag, but still..I don't need to be getting all attached at this point. I need to go sit down somewhere and pray.
No, for real..prayer is SO what I need right now. I learn something new about myself nearly everyday. It seems that an adverse situation always tends to enlighten me as to who I really am. I'm really trying to think of an 'ah-ha' moment that came about when I was having a good time. ...nothing. WELL...I guess I've discovered what I enjoy when I'm having a good time...ah well..I think that was my attempt to bring some postitive energy in this space.
But really, I think I've always had this belief that we as humans have complete control over our actions, thoughts, etc. Now, don't get me wrong...we do have an extreme amount and maybe they are complete in most instances, but I don't think I can say all. Seems that most people are fully aware of this...I'd convinced myself I was an exception. DAMMIT!!! I HATE the idea of feeling and acting exempt when lo and behold, I have been guilty of the exact thing.
Drumroll please...........................................................I DO NOT HAVE IT LIKE THAT. Damn. *shakes head* If only I would've realized this long time ago..I'd probably have avoided alot of unneccessary BS. Wow. Nothing hits home until you have your own epiphany...then change can begin. Prior to..smiles, nods, empathy..but no action. Why? Because clearly it's not your issue. It's my issue dammit...I'll own it.
During the girlfriends' moment a few weekends ago, we touched on this. Why is it so often the case that we don't turn things over to God until our back's against the wall? How is it that we say in one breath Let Go and Let God, but usually that's the last resort? Now I do believe that we were given the capacity to make decisions and therefore we should make use, at the same time...who are we to believe..scratch that, let me not impose my issues upon anyone. Who am I to believe that I have all the answers, remedies, cures, strength, etc, etc. I don't. I'll take it. Where's the help?
I have the answer.
So with that I just have to pray somethings through...and then do the best I can. Know that in spite of my shortfalls, the devil is still a liar. Know that in spite of what stands before me he is still God. At that, I'm good. I'm not strong enough for certain things...it is written, and if He said it, then it's true. Who am I not to believe? Okay, I get it..that expectation is out the door. There are some things, no matter how hard I want to be different within me...I just can't work it out on my own. So with that, I'll do what I can to change things in myself/life that I'd prefer be different..and lean on God to do the rest. He knows the desires of my heart, and if my desires are in the right place..I know he'll pull me through. Why wouldn't He if he's brought me through when I was dead wrong.
I am more than a conqueror and I'm SO happy about it. Thank you. This was for me.
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4 comments:
I really enjoyed this post. :)
When I started out,my plan was to talk about something totally different. I just let it flow, and I'm glad you enjoyed the moment too.
aw, i love you fannie. despite you. and i know you love me. despite me.
now, if we could only *truly* love ourselves despite ourselves as God does, wouldn't that be amazing? love is the most compounded word ever, but it's really so simplistic. it's what comes when you strip everything away and just do. knowing is liking, but removing the excess is loving. it's a continuous process.
..i know this was not what exactly you were saying in your post, and i don't know if you 'get' me (but, then again, you probably do). but it's what came to my mind to say. oh, the beauty of blogging.
"you've got to realize that the world's a test/you can only do your best/and let Him do the rest" - Cee Lo "In Due Time"
and you always have your friends babe...dont forget that.
word fay....word!
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