My help...

Excuse the random structure of this blog but I just don't really have brainspace for "blog structure" right now. Not because I'm stressed...I'm just a bit tired. I'm in Nutbush(S. Dakota), had a heavy dinner, went to a dumb cinedome movie that gave me a headache...so not really in the mood for the small detials right now.

I haven't talked to my new friend in a few days..mainly we've played alot of phone tag, but still..I don't need to be getting all attached at this point. I need to go sit down somewhere and pray.

No, for real..prayer is SO what I need right now. I learn something new about myself nearly everyday. It seems that an adverse situation always tends to enlighten me as to who I really am. I'm really trying to think of an 'ah-ha' moment that came about when I was having a good time. ...nothing. WELL...I guess I've discovered what I enjoy when I'm having a good time...ah well..I think that was my attempt to bring some postitive energy in this space.

But really, I think I've always had this belief that we as humans have complete control over our actions, thoughts, etc. Now, don't get me wrong...we do have an extreme amount and maybe they are complete in most instances, but I don't think I can say all. Seems that most people are fully aware of this...I'd convinced myself I was an exception. DAMMIT!!! I HATE the idea of feeling and acting exempt when lo and behold, I have been guilty of the exact thing.

Drumroll please...........................................................I DO NOT HAVE IT LIKE THAT. Damn. *shakes head* If only I would've realized this long time ago..I'd probably have avoided alot of unneccessary BS. Wow. Nothing hits home until you have your own epiphany...then change can begin. Prior to..smiles, nods, empathy..but no action. Why? Because clearly it's not your issue. It's my issue dammit...I'll own it.

During the girlfriends' moment a few weekends ago, we touched on this. Why is it so often the case that we don't turn things over to God until our back's against the wall? How is it that we say in one breath Let Go and Let God, but usually that's the last resort? Now I do believe that we were given the capacity to make decisions and therefore we should make use, at the same time...who are we to believe..scratch that, let me not impose my issues upon anyone. Who am I to believe that I have all the answers, remedies, cures, strength, etc, etc. I don't. I'll take it. Where's the help?

I have the answer.

So with that I just have to pray somethings through...and then do the best I can. Know that in spite of my shortfalls, the devil is still a liar. Know that in spite of what stands before me he is still God. At that, I'm good. I'm not strong enough for certain things...it is written, and if He said it, then it's true. Who am I not to believe? Okay, I get it..that expectation is out the door. There are some things, no matter how hard I want to be different within me...I just can't work it out on my own. So with that, I'll do what I can to change things in myself/life that I'd prefer be different..and lean on God to do the rest. He knows the desires of my heart, and if my desires are in the right place..I know he'll pull me through. Why wouldn't He if he's brought me through when I was dead wrong.

I am more than a conqueror and I'm SO happy about it. Thank you. This was for me.

"If only it could be like this always..."

That's how I felt Saturday night as my girls and I dimmed the lights laid back on the cushy, leather sofa..sipped wine, soaked in the sounds of Sade, and chatted. Not about anything in particular..we just went wherever our minds took us. It was perfect.

Now, I'm not saying I'd like to freeze the moment and just post with my girls all the days of my life, however, the feeling was wonderful. I'd love to feel 'that' all the time. 'That' is just feeling like if I had to do this moment again..I can't think of anything that I could have done to have made it better. Who said perfection is non-existent?

Can I talk my shit again...? [feeling better than I ever before todaaayyy...] no but really, Can I?

- All I can say is "Liar, liar..pants on fire."
- I hope they're not...or won't be, at least.
- Maybe, I've gotten too old for the amusement park...I called on the Lord more than I think I should have to in regards to some darn rollercoasters.
- I think I hurt Ciabatta's feelings...I still feel bad.
- B get's HEAVY rotation as far as we're concerned.."YOU MUST NOT KNOW BOUT ME"
- Love it!!
- Everytime I think about the fact that Toni won't be on girlfriend's I get really ticked.
- Really ticked...
- There's only so much Quality TV left.

Eh, I'm over the list for the moment...got a little distracted by the Soul Food rerun.

I'm kinda diggin' this new guy. Shiish..I still have a bit of a problem with this blogging-sharing thing. I feel like I have an auntie looking over my shoulder or something...you know? Like, it's cool if I come out and tell auntie or ask her advice...but for her to snoop unannounced is different. A bit violating of sorts, even if she finds "innocent" info...it's still my innocent info that I didn't decide to give her access to. I'm a complete weirdo...maybe I need to just keep a damn diary. But I don't like to write(I'm lazy) maybe an online private journal? Whatever.

I'll figure it out...

Anywhoo..nevermind. I'm demotivated, don't want to share. Sorry. I'm trying to follow Noe-Noe with the idea of not deleting what I write, so you just gotta take it I guess.

I need to find my way out of this, tonight won't be the night...

Now this is just damn rude...

but funny as all hell. Got this from a list on a Myspace bulletin...

-FOUR-
Nobody cares about threats over the internet.Don't try to act hardcore with the keyboard.Fighting online is like racing in the special olympics;even if you win, you're still retarded.

That might be the most insensitive, funny, rude ass, inpolitically correct shit I've read/heard all week!

I'm going to bed...

I've been laid...

out all day, it's kind of refreshing. I had such a plan for the day, those were crashed...and so I was left to just lay or lie. Hmmm. Not sure which is correct, but whatever.

I've had thoughts swirling in my head about our new school music artists, actually I was pretty revved up about it...but today, I don't feel like being revved. I'd like to just lay/lie and be as easy as tomorrow morning. I'll let a few thoughts escape to help me.

- I've been stopping and starting In Her Shoes all day long..good thing for On Demand.
- I had such a good time last night...thanks new girlfriend!
- I haven't worked out in over 2 weeks and I have 5 pounds to show for it...such crap!
- This chick's stepmom in this movie is really off the chain..
- Sometime's I miss my granddad so much...I hope he wasn't alone, I don't think he was.
- I pray he wasn't, I wish he could've been up north with us...
- I think he would've been around longer.
- Just a thought.
- I think this movie's making me all melancholy!
- Why am I crying so much...SHISH! Quality TV, I tell ya!
- Okay, it's finally over.
- sR, what have you been up to?
- I saw "the ex" last night...
- We didn't speak, however, it wasn't as weird as I'd have imagined it would be.
- I think we both know though..the eyes tell it all, they always have.
- Funny thing is "the ex" just may be kicking it with my friend's "ex"...how ironic is that?
- We couldn't really tell though...
- What the heck am I gonna do now? I'm restless.
- As much as I'm NOT feeling B'Day, I'm so feelin' B'Day...
- Irreplaceable stays in constant rotation...
- You must not know 'bout me/you must not know 'bout me/I can find another "you", in a minute/matter fact, he'll be here in a minute, baby/you must not know 'bout me/you must not know 'bout me/I can find another "you" by tomorrow/so don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're Irreplaceable.
- Yep, I'm wit' it...so with it.
- Fashion has been phenomenal this year...it was so stagnant the past few years that now I don't even like to go to the mall or there's sure to be TROUBLE..trouble.
- I need a sponsor, any takers? Once upon a time, I ran from this sort of thing...right about now, hollatchagirl, for real.
-I can handle the necessities, but for the extra-flashy-way-too-overpriced-to-be-worn-looked-at-eaten-only-once 'ish..come through.
- I'll put on something nice, get my hair did too...
- Whatever. People do it all the time, I can at least think about it.
- I feel a little weird about us.
- Everything that's happened has kind of rocked the foundation and changed the way I look at you. and me and you.
- That's why my eyes have changed.
- I wish it was different, but it's just how I feel..hopefully we can find our sweet spot again..
- You liked it there, I could tell..so did I.
- The spot before we jumped.
- I'd love them to be as beam as brightly as they once did, but the scenery changed...so did they, I may not see what I once saw...
- But I hope to find a way to enjoy the view.
- You'll know when that happens...they spoke to you before, I'm sure they'll rat me out again.
- Until then, space and time may help..

Maybe I'll watch another movie, call some friends and catch up, try on outfits I haven't touched in a while, look at pics(nah..), dance, take off this chipped polish, read a new book, plan more of my life...yeah, that one. I love doing things that matter..to me.

Getting laid every now and again is revitalizing, I promise.

Back to easy street...

The "this shit sucks..." list

1.) The VMAs...who was behind that crap? From the Raconettes or whoever they were, to Beyonce's A.scension( hee hee) as a super hero, to Missy's garbage-bagged ride in the baby SUV, to looking at Jared Leto look like a woman....I'll stop here.
2.) Beets
3.) Being forced to lose out on sleep to an unworthy cause like pancakes with randoms....they say it's overrated. I say that's an opinion...it's precious.
4.) Still being sleepy, but choosing to blog. Someday's good, today; sucks.
5.) The fact that I'm writing this list even though I'm in a pretty good mood!
6.) Well, maybe that one doesn't suck.
7.) Having to be so damn "together"
8.) More often than I allow myself I just wanna spas out and act like alot of other chicks do...bitch, moan, whine, complain, nag, chastise, snoop, salt game...
9.) Guess that's my sucky choice.
10.) Use of the word sucky.
11.) Jon Benet's murder hopeful and his lack of "something to do".
12.) His decision to pass on more important things like getting a tan, pulling his pants down, getting a better story.
13.) America's obsession with the wrong 'ish.
14.) My flip-floppedness when it comes to typing curse words.
15.) flip-floppedness
16.) This dumb situation that I have going on. Rephrase: had..
17.) The response I received that said so much through so little.
18.) Being forced to just let it go before having a chance to see the potential.
19.) Realizing that potential may have been more of my desire than my reality.
20.) Acknowledging bad decisions.
21.) aforementioned may not necessarily suck...it promotes growth.
22.) I'm with it.
23.) Seeing "outfits" in the club...find your style, or at least give it a try.
24.) Accesory over-kill....take it easy on the waist belt-purse-earrings-necklace-ring-ring-anklet thing, please.
25.) Spiked hair on unattractive girls.
26.) Men who spew a resume before they ask your name..."yeah, we just left the studio..that's my producer in the car....he's doing some work for Robert, at the CHOCOLATE factory...do you sing?"
27.) The view he witnessed: Blank stare, back of dress.
28.) The lack of good TV on a Saturday night.
29.) The fact that I'd prefer to find good tv on a Saturday night.
30.) Meeting great guys who live in great destinations...great=elsewhere
31.) Waiting.
32.) Trying to occupy yourself so that you are convinced that you aren't waiting, just busy.
33.) That it's never as good as the first time. This one really sucks...ignorance is bliss, I tell ya!!
34.) exception: Sade...she's that chick.
35.) That I'm so late on Law and Order...I can officially stop complaining about the 17 different spin-offs.
36.) The lack of quality programming that justifies the 17 spin-offs.
37.) Israel vs. Lebanon
38.) Dem Franchise Boys vs. D4L...at least fight over a woman, territory, you shot my cousin...something. The orgination of the snap and pop, though?
-[shaking head in disgust]
39.) Watching people a lot less intelligent ball out of control.
40.) The fact that intelligence has moved down to the bottom of the list.
41.) Coonism swiftly approaches number #1.
42.) Beets

....I'm sleepy.