I swear I am becoming like the QUEEN of self-assessment. I mean, it's more interesting to me than any book I've ever read. Getting to know my damn self..what a concept! I'd say over the past 4 years or so, I've been in the process of putting it all together. I mean, I'm still crawling....don't get me wrong, but the fact that I made it past not being able to sit up on my own is a real accomplishment.
The ironic thing is that I really feel quite ahead of the game in this whole thing b/c I know SO many people who don't have a clue of who they really are and why they do what they do. They just live, spew out a bunch a crap and either expect people to deal with it b/c "that's just them" or they have a whole novel full of excuses that they pull out time and time again. It's to those that I say...go have a seat and figure out.
With some of my "issues" I'd say I'm almost there with overcoming them. For instance, my faces. Now I'd say 55% of the time I have this expression that, to others, appears to be "attitude/annoyance" when in all actuality I'm either chillin' or thinking. I get it honest, to the point where it was never even addressed b/c if you glance at my mom or little brother...you'd get the same thing. So my entire life..I'd get the "why do you look so mean", "I thought you were arrogant..but you're actually cool", "what's wrong with you"..and so on. Now I used to next insert my real annoyed face...and either say nothing or give a huffy "I'm fine." B/c as far as I was concerned everyone else needed to get over it and let me do me. As I've continued traveling down my road..I've learned to handle others w/ a bit more consideration a) because they don't know me b) It's not there responsibility to except whatever I give just b/c I decide to not try and change it. So, I've moved past acknowledgement and to the point where I will address it. If someone asks about it I try(as best as I can) to smile, and even in "new" settings try and think about what my expressions are.
I have a few others that I don't feel like typing about that are issues in regards to myself. I'd say in the past 2 years since I've gotten back in to really dating I've learned ALOT about myself when it comes to dating. I actually learned that I'm a nut just like all the rest of the chicks. ISN'T THAT CRAZY?!? Who knew? I swore I was SO together...
And I'm not saying I'm a slash-your-tires-call-all-the-numbers-in-your-phone-and-say-we're-married-get-you-fired-from-your-job nut. But a nut, yet in still. I've learned that things that are so basic for others are like SO crucial for me. I think everyone is liked this, it's just that many haven't figured out what those things are. For instance, and I've mentioned this before, but I SUCK at communicating. Like, I wish I could talk to someone that could tell me why I'm like this. I'll talk to friends who'll be like "just come out with it, go talk to him..what's the big deal" and I can fully tell that it's not an "easier said than done situation" b/c I know them enough to know that it's just who they are. For me, talking about anything having to do with feelings is like pulling teeth. I have to go through these self-motivating internal cheering rants[Go Fan-Dreamy, just do it...okay in 30 seconds, just GO!!!]...looney! HAA..I have to chuckle at how ridiculous I am. I write email instead of talking, I'll write letters and never send them...complete maniac. But it's been acknowledged and I work on it...in my own way. Be proud of my progress b/c I was once much worse.
Another thing is pride. My entire life my friends have told me "you're too prideful...what's the big deal" about this or that. Funny thing is, I wouldn't even say I disagreed. I guess I just felt like, "oh well, that's just me." When the truth was, I never had a reason to be different...it was working just fine for me. Until about a year and a half ago. The first guy I'd dated seriously since college...and when I tell you being "me" just wasn't gonna fly. Do you know he was the 1st guy I'd taken out? I'm a grown-ass woman and I promise, I'd just never thought about it until he brought it up. We were trying to decide what we were gonna do one day...[I'm so feeling the new Outkast, "Morris Brown..random, sorry]and he's like "Well, I'm sure the only way we'd do anything is if I take you out." I'm like "I can take you out, it's not a big deal". Granted this was after about 8 months of dating. Hell, nobody ever told me men cared about that? Now I know. Okay, don't think that had anything to do with pride, but I felt compelled to mention it.
Back to pride, but it's like so real for me. It's like something inside me that won't really allow people to "try" me or even allow for me to feel like I'm being "tried". I'm not gonna totally expose myself to you voyeurs but let's just say it at time hinders me in opening up, and with that I could potentially miss out. An ex even had the never to tell me the other day "you'd never do that, you have to much pride...you're gonna miss out being like that." Nigga think he know me...whatever. Nonetheless, I acknowledge it..and I push myself to be different. Not totally, but just when necessary..for me. I like this place.
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okay, i just had a flashback to the summer in college where we got real cool. i don't remember exactly how it started, but i remember we'd write these long-ass emails like every few days.
i went through the major self-eval junior year of college -- that time when i kind of just disappeared for awhile. after that, i thought i'd picked myself apart from head to toe and there was nothing left to understand. well, i had to do it again a few months ago. i guess a new life situation brought the need for another look at myself. it's one of the most painfully rewarding experiences a person can have. i wish it for everyone, although most will never grasp the desire. it's the only way i know to grow.
*from one "meanest-facial-expression-having-but-really-like-one-of-the-coolest-people-ever-who-don't-mind-tricking-people-into-thinking-i'm-really-kind-of-a-bitch-because-they're-even-that-much-more-surprised-when-they-find-out-how-down-to-earth-i-am-and-that-mean-face-was-really-just-a-lost-in-thought/translation-moment" to another* ;')
oh, and Morris Brown!?! Current Play Count: 57.
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