(Wo)Man in the Mirror..

I swear I am becoming like the QUEEN of self-assessment. I mean, it's more interesting to me than any book I've ever read. Getting to know my damn self..what a concept! I'd say over the past 4 years or so, I've been in the process of putting it all together. I mean, I'm still crawling....don't get me wrong, but the fact that I made it past not being able to sit up on my own is a real accomplishment.

The ironic thing is that I really feel quite ahead of the game in this whole thing b/c I know SO many people who don't have a clue of who they really are and why they do what they do. They just live, spew out a bunch a crap and either expect people to deal with it b/c "that's just them" or they have a whole novel full of excuses that they pull out time and time again. It's to those that I say...go have a seat and figure out.

With some of my "issues" I'd say I'm almost there with overcoming them. For instance, my faces. Now I'd say 55% of the time I have this expression that, to others, appears to be "attitude/annoyance" when in all actuality I'm either chillin' or thinking. I get it honest, to the point where it was never even addressed b/c if you glance at my mom or little brother...you'd get the same thing. So my entire life..I'd get the "why do you look so mean", "I thought you were arrogant..but you're actually cool", "what's wrong with you"..and so on. Now I used to next insert my real annoyed face...and either say nothing or give a huffy "I'm fine." B/c as far as I was concerned everyone else needed to get over it and let me do me. As I've continued traveling down my road..I've learned to handle others w/ a bit more consideration a) because they don't know me b) It's not there responsibility to except whatever I give just b/c I decide to not try and change it. So, I've moved past acknowledgement and to the point where I will address it. If someone asks about it I try(as best as I can) to smile, and even in "new" settings try and think about what my expressions are.

I have a few others that I don't feel like typing about that are issues in regards to myself. I'd say in the past 2 years since I've gotten back in to really dating I've learned ALOT about myself when it comes to dating. I actually learned that I'm a nut just like all the rest of the chicks. ISN'T THAT CRAZY?!? Who knew? I swore I was SO together...

And I'm not saying I'm a slash-your-tires-call-all-the-numbers-in-your-phone-and-say-we're-married-get-you-fired-from-your-job nut. But a nut, yet in still. I've learned that things that are so basic for others are like SO crucial for me. I think everyone is liked this, it's just that many haven't figured out what those things are. For instance, and I've mentioned this before, but I SUCK at communicating. Like, I wish I could talk to someone that could tell me why I'm like this. I'll talk to friends who'll be like "just come out with it, go talk to him..what's the big deal" and I can fully tell that it's not an "easier said than done situation" b/c I know them enough to know that it's just who they are. For me, talking about anything having to do with feelings is like pulling teeth. I have to go through these self-motivating internal cheering rants[Go Fan-Dreamy, just do it...okay in 30 seconds, just GO!!!]...looney! HAA..I have to chuckle at how ridiculous I am. I write email instead of talking, I'll write letters and never send them...complete maniac. But it's been acknowledged and I work on it...in my own way. Be proud of my progress b/c I was once much worse.

Another thing is pride. My entire life my friends have told me "you're too prideful...what's the big deal" about this or that. Funny thing is, I wouldn't even say I disagreed. I guess I just felt like, "oh well, that's just me." When the truth was, I never had a reason to be different...it was working just fine for me. Until about a year and a half ago. The first guy I'd dated seriously since college...and when I tell you being "me" just wasn't gonna fly. Do you know he was the 1st guy I'd taken out? I'm a grown-ass woman and I promise, I'd just never thought about it until he brought it up. We were trying to decide what we were gonna do one day...[I'm so feeling the new Outkast, "Morris Brown..random, sorry]and he's like "Well, I'm sure the only way we'd do anything is if I take you out." I'm like "I can take you out, it's not a big deal". Granted this was after about 8 months of dating. Hell, nobody ever told me men cared about that? Now I know. Okay, don't think that had anything to do with pride, but I felt compelled to mention it.

Back to pride, but it's like so real for me. It's like something inside me that won't really allow people to "try" me or even allow for me to feel like I'm being "tried". I'm not gonna totally expose myself to you voyeurs but let's just say it at time hinders me in opening up, and with that I could potentially miss out. An ex even had the never to tell me the other day "you'd never do that, you have to much pride...you're gonna miss out being like that." Nigga think he know me...whatever. Nonetheless, I acknowledge it..and I push myself to be different. Not totally, but just when necessary..for me. I like this place.

I Can Only Be Me...

Okay, so I was told to just go with my flow on this whole blog thing. I'm feelin' that. I don't know if it's the thought that others will likely read this or what that makes me feel that I need to have some type of format. I guess it's just my need for structure ..who knows.

- The fact that others view this thing is intriguing, yet limiting.
- I don't know how I feel about that.
- Probably the reason I don't blog more often.
- Whatever.
- Why is it that I blog most often when I'm in a funk.
- Maybe I won't call it a funk..but definitely a mood. I'm just kind of relishing in my thoughts today, trying to find the best escape route for them.
- I've been pretty unsuccessful so far.
- Sometimes I think I'm a little TOO damn considerate...hell, people don't give a damn about hurting my feelings.
- Oh well.
- I wear my emotions in my song.
- Safer than my sleeve, I never wear them there.
- I'd like to have as much control over their access and if I can't totally control it, I give it a good college try.
- Plus, they clash w/ my swagger...I do have an image to uphold, you know.
- Random.
- I feel like I'm trying to eat ice cream in a valley of forks. I mean, really..there are forks like EVERYWHERE. I'm starving so I'm trying my best with the damn fork... They're available, I'm hungry. The fork works just fine when either I'm not hungry and just eating to eat or when I'm starving b/c I'll take what I can get...but when I really want to enjoy every bite, taste every ingredient, savor all the flavors..the fork fails to deliver! That's some BS, it's too many freakin' forks floating around! Where's the spoon...where's the damn spoon?
- Indecent proposal is on...I should pay attention to the movie and rewatch it now that I'm old. B/c from my recollection, the premise was $1M to sleep w/ wife...couple does not have $1M. Where's the problem? Again, I'll watch it again, b/c maybe I'm missing alot of the fundamentals.

- I'm just saying...take one for the team. But again, I repeat the disclaimer: I haven't seen this since I was a kid so maybe there's more to the story.

OH, I was supposed to recap Mexico. I should've done this when I first got back b/c anyone who knows me knows that I'm very to the point so the little details get lost in the storm. I'll see what I can muster up about it.

- Lost my ID sometime b/w boarding the plane in Houston and de-planning in Mexico.
- Nope, not lying.
- Glad I speak proper english and I'm not too hard on the eyes...I'd probably still be sitting in the aeropuerto.
- Try and act all PC if ya'll want to, you know it's true. Had I been talkin' all like dis and had a gold front and some braids...they'da been lookin' at me like, "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do. We didn't make the rules."
- God is on my side. Trust!
- tangent..sorry.
- "We give a complimentary breakfast and bottle of tequila to all of our preferred guest. That'll be $28."
- Nana and the security lady story! HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- I was bamboozled a time or two.
- TAXI!!
- Beautiful views, hot sand, deadly waters.
- "I thought I was a goner ya'll, I thought this was it." - Fan-Dreamy(I'll keep that, sR)
- Taboo...I SHALL NOT LOSE!!
- The happy couple were a sight for sore eyes.
- The apple may not fall far from the tree, but at least once they fall they don't have to worry about being associated w/ the other loser apples. YIKES...watch your siblings.
- Lizard, I know you're scared too, but run the OTHER way!!
- EL SQUID ROE, table dancing, and the Substitute Pimp.
- check email.
- Mess around and play MJ in Mexico....trouble, trouble. DON'T STOP TIL YOU GET ENOUGH!!! please note the picture below...this does NO justice to the spectacle I was forced to witness. Embarrassed and Associated.
- Suave House..too cold, too cold.
- "I only paid $6 dollars on the way here..."
- Okay, but just get out...what's her name?
- Budget Ballin': Quesidillas on resort $9...Back alley Taqueria $1.50.
- "Why ya'll keep runnin' from me..?" - Tommy Hilfiger tank in the club
- Yo girl, Baha.
- "Calling all Sorors to the floor...."
- Mama know how to drop it too.
- "Now you know I look like Woody from Toy Story in this hat..."
- BINGO!!
- The darkies in the pool try to escape death (choking, flailing and gagging included) after sliding down the dolphin slide into the six feet.
- Six-year old whities swim by.
- "When in Mexico, let them stick to what they know"...words to live by, next time..I'll just have a taco.
- SANCHO PANZA...um, um good!
- "La Cucaracha, La Cucaracha"...warn me next time before you breakout, kid. please?.
- I'm still as ignorant as I was 10 years ago when it comes to laughter. I can't help it...I've tried.
- In Mexico, people pimp their kids...Chiclet anyone?
- They'd sell you a pen cap before they put up a sign saying "please help".
- I respect you...here's a buck.
- The return of Treetop apple juice.
- "I don't have time to give you the whole deal, will you come to my presentation if I give you $300.....oh, ok. I had to ask" -Grand Hustle
- And the academy award goes to....CHERRY CHICLE'!!!
- "If you can't make it in America, you ain't shit" - Daddy Morand
- Spoken like a true pimp.
- "If I give you dollars, don't give me pesos" "...don't giver her pesos, Fan-Dreamy don't want pesos"
- Did she just say 'all the engagements'?
- Finally...my email came containing the Bally's health club card. What?..Your printers broken???
- "Where's the help?" - Potentially stuck in Mexico selling Chiclet
- Thanks Veronica!
- Since when is $50 dollars for a taxi a deal?
- 7 baggage screens, one errored detainment, and one missed connecting flight later...

HOME SWEET HOME. God Bless America!

The past, present, and hope for the future...

...live in the lyrics. Music rules me...I can't control what it does to me. Don't want to. I feel safe and free within the it. It never lets me down, and during my best and worst...always knows just what to say.

25 of my favorite quotes(no specific order)...they all make me feel tingly..so that's enough for them to get a spot on the list. Whether I feel the message, or just think it was a clever play on words...good enough. A few of these are in my favorite songs' list, but I guess the two may go hand in hand at times.

Disclaimer: I know many of my are slow jams/love songs...I'm not depressed...just an R&B chick. It's my genre..it gets me and speaks for me, often. Actually, screw the disclaimer...I can feel what I want.

1. "You're ruling the way that I move/and I breathe your air/you, only, can rescue me/this is my prayer" - Sade, Cherish the Day

2. "I think the angels are your brothers/they told you about me/said you're just what she needs/and I find myself thanking your mother/for giving birth to a saint/my spirit flys when I say your name" - Amel Larrieux, Make Me Whole

3. "I sell ice in the winter/ I sell fire in hell/I'm a hustler, baby/I'll sell water to whale"
-Jay-Z, U Don't Know

4. "You should be mine/anything you want..you've got/you fortify my love/you fortify me"
- Jeffrey Osborne, You Should Be Mine

5. "You taught me precious secrets/of a true love/you're holding nothing/you came out in front, when I was hiding/now I'm so much better/and if my words don't come together/listen to the melody/because my love is in there hiding" - Donny Hathaway, A Song For You (whew, I'm damn near tearing up..I could type out this whole damn song...I can't wait until someone comes along where I can REALLY feel it...I been done had a heartattack!!!!)

6. "Even when I broke your heart/it was my sin/that tore us apart/but I'm standing right here/in the midst of my tears/I claim you to be/The precious lamb of God" -Various artists, Now Behold the Lamb

7. "She rubbed me on my back and called me Mr. Sexy/Tell me I didn't finesse Mahogany" - Eric B. and Rakim, Mahogany

8. "We could be on seperate planets/the earth or the moon/Heart to heart, we're still tune/and you know..hearts don't lie/I don't care if we're not together/'cause that's the part that never lasts forever/..I bet you always will" - Tweet, Always Will

9. "If you're lost/you can look/and you will find me/Time after Time../if you fall I will catch you/I will be waiting" - Cyndi Lauper, Time After Time

10. "I won't pretend/that I intend to stop living/I won't pretend/I'm good at forgetting/but I can't hate you/although I have tried/I still really, really love you/love is stronger than pride"
-Sade, Stronger than Pride

11. "My fears are all gone/I like the sound of your song/and I think I wanna sing it forever"
-Anita Baker, Giving You the Best That I've Got

12. "I'm the lady sippin' baileys/while I strut like a model/If the ladies wanna hate me/I just send 'em a bottle" -Beyonce, In the Club (get's me me in the mood to go out and shut 'em down..)

13. "If you don't want me/then don't talk to me" -Fantasia, Free Yourself ('nuff said...love it!!)

14. "I'm insecure/but I can't help it/my heart says move on/my heart lags behind/but, I don't love you anymore/yes I do, I think/loving you is wrong..."
-Erykah Badu, Green Eyes (this got me through ya'll...I could type this whole song as well, choosing which verse to use was hard..VERY hard)

15. "In the right place/with the right mind and the right line/boy, you could get a lifetime contract"
-Twista, Emotions

16. "If I'm a drink/you're my lemon squeeze/oh, you got flavor boy/you go good with me"
- Aaliyah, It's Whatever

17. "...cause I'm tired of all the complaining/if you ain't never gonna change it/you can't change the way I feel" -Brandy, How I Feel

18. "Wearing the cross/I mean, the heart on my neck" - Common, Faithful

19. "if you need the love/I got the love that you need/and I pray to God one day that they will see/ they'll see that I'm all that you need/Nothing is promised.." - Jagged Edge, Promise

20. "I've been holding back/what I feel/Love so real/I can't wait another minute" - Hi Five, Can't Wait Another Minute (It's not rocket science...all things don't need to be deep)

21. "Reaching out into distance/searching for spirits of the past/just a trace of your existence..to grasp/and if somehow I could recapture/all of the memories/and bring them to life/Lord knows, I would/but now you're fading faster/getting so hard to see/you've taken the light/you're fading out of my sight, swiftly" - Mariah Carey, Vanishing

22. "If God one day struck me blind/you're beauty I'd still see/Love's too weak to define/just what you mean to me" -Prince, Adore

23. "yes, I got candy kisses for you lips/Yes, I got some honey suckle chocolate dipping kisses full of love for you/My life has been waiting for your love/My arms have been waiting for you love to arrive..." -Stevie Wonder, Do I Do

24. "I will keep your secrets/just think of me as the pages of your diary" -Alicia Keys, Diary (Always, in spite..this will remain!!!)

25. "My attitude is fuck it/and muthafucka's love it!!" -Tupac, Ambitionz az a Ridah

This was so much fun...I could go on all day. But I guess I've been on the computer WAY too long already. Maybe I'll do it again..soon.er or later.

A Piece of my Mind...

I'm pretty random too...not seriously though(shout Sherrie..), but really....here's a glimpse into the randomness of how my mind works...and a bunch of other randomness that I can't really define. Whatever.


- I LOVE old school R&B...esp. 70's -90's.
- Right now I'm belting out Pure Soul "We Must Be in Love"...remember that??? Thanks Teej.
- Uhp, went off. Rewind.
- I can actually listen to a song and completely feel it as if it totally relates to me at that very moment...I should be an actress. You should see me right now.
- I record myself singing on voice memos all the time. At the time, I think they sound amazing...but once I forget about them and go back...I chuckle at how completely ridiculous I sound. HA!
- I'm actually distracted by the song right now, I need to get back to the point of the blog.
-...
- Man, I got bit by a ferocious mosquito, I have all type of marks and red spots..this never happens
-...I hope I don't have the damn West Nile.
- I don't really trust doctors so I doubt I'll head there.
- I shan't speak that into my life.
- Well, hopefully typing doesn't count.
- You liked my contraction, didn't you.
- I think I'm pretty clever.
- As far as I'm concerned, I think everyone else agrees.
- I got a random call today from an "ex"...
- he had me open a bit, it was kind of surprising...I'm usually in such control.
- That's alright...I think he's figured it out, I'm brand new.
- Ya girl's back...take it easy, son. There's a seat over there waiting for you...
- Have one.
- I hope he's not holding his breath waiting on that call back.
- Again, have a seat.
- Ha...I'm so cool.
- Doesn't matter what you think, I've completely convinced myself that I am.
- Ha!
- I love blogging, I'm just so random with it all ..it's hard to sit down and write one.
- I promise I'm gonna get together.
- I admit it. I DO want a boyfriend...I'm tired of being single.
- I think I'm ready for at least that. The aforementioned taught me alot about what I want and what I need to work on.
- I appreciate the lesson because I can guarantee if I'd have had to sign up for the course...
- I woulda missed out.
- 'ppreciate ya!!!
- Now back to your seat, dude.

Okay, this must end...I think I'd be a little thrown with this choppy list so I'm gonna try and focus in on one topic. I know that changes the whole concept of the blog, but not really...I did say it'd be random.

Sidebar: I'm listening to A.D. 2000 by E. Badu. Now I remember having a convo w/ 2 of my best friends back in college on how deep it was and how she was probably talking about how after a breakup things are misinterpreted and one party ends up looking like that bad guy, yadda, yadda. Man, that chick was actually talking about a building. Boo, Erykah.

Anyways, as I was saying..I do want to have someone just for me. Someone to release all of this loving energy upon...he'd really come up, ya know? Just because of where I am right now...they say it's all about timing, right?

I'm settling right now...isn't it crazy how you can find yourself doing things you never thought you would? Not really, we are all only who we see ourselves to be. There are no innate differences b/w me, you, whore, crackhead, at least not in terms of what we are capable of doing/accepting...we just all have different visions of who "we" are. It's okay to stray here and there, but as long as we hold fast to the ideal...I think all will be well in the end. You can't allow yourself to lose yourself... Who's to say I'm right, but who's to say I'm wrong.

So again, I feel that I've strayed away from myself a bit, but I'm trying to get it back. I'm kind of torn b/w feelings and reality. Most of my friends tell me that I'm very detached from my feelings...I'm learning that they are right, I'm working on it But I guess that's b/c I feel at the end of the day feelings are just feelings. They don't necessarily change what "is" and if they don't then what's the damn point? I understand they are necessary, usually expected, and should be considered...but besides that...what? I don't know, I'm open to exploring the idea of them and in turn becoming a better communicator. It's been a challenge for me. I work on me, daily, even if only in my mind. Somethin's better than nothin'.

So again, I'm not loving this place right now, but given there are so many other places I could be..I respect it, and I'm not gonna run from it. Yesterday's FC would have, I'm brand-new. Thing's will be what they will. My mom encouraged me to know and appreciate these words of wisdom...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

How did I get here...I'm SO random. HA! At least I warned you...